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One of the most amazing things that stands out from the war in Eretz Yisroel and beyond, is the power of a group. There is an unusual amount of camaraderie, one that I have barely witnessed in my lifetime but can’t get enough of. My heart gets so warmed by the different facets of Yidden, from all over the world coming together and doing their part. It’s really wow. And it proves the power of a group- the power of being part of something bigger.
Togetherness. ❤️
Yet, on the other end of the togetherness spectrum, is rejection. Aloneness. Feeling left out of what the group is doing. Feeling isolated. Feeling not worthy enough. Feeling yuck.
Rejection. 💔
Recently, I experienced rejection. And it reminded me again how rejection hurts. There are smaller rejections and bigger rejections, but in general it feels like a punch in the gut. Rejection silences our confidence. Rejection bullies our vulnerability and makes fun that we even attempted to put ourselves out there. And rejection tells us to put walls around us, and isolate, so that we can protect ourselves from not being rejected again.
But why does a little thing like rejection have so much power? What is it about being rejected that makes us go under the covers and not want to get out?
Let’s understand this together: rejection taps into some of our deep primal instincts. Back in the day, being part of a group was crucial for survival. Getting rejected by the tribe can mean life or death. Therefore, when we are faced with rejection today, it makes us feel like we are at risk for survival. Which, of course, we need to remind ourselves - that is not the case.
On top of that, rejection messes with our self esteem. When someone rejects us, it makes us rethink our own worth and our own value. We start wondering whether or not we are good enough. Which stings. And hurts. And makes us think all sorts of things that are unlikely true - our thoughts overwhelm us. And often, we lose control over our minds at that moment.
In recent times, rejection can start at such a ridiculously young age. Even preschoolers can be rejected from schools, and it’s become almost acceptable to not accept children and teens into the school and camp system. Gulp.
Very few people are safe from rejection nowadays.
It’s a real conundrum why we let rejection mess with our heads so much. I believe it’s because it takes a lot of courage to put ourselves out there - either for a job interview, or for a speaking opportunity, or when opening up to someone, or seminary, or seminary, or seminary, or for shidduchim, of course, who can forget that one. And nowadays even applying to camp can be a setup for a rejection letter.
So here we are - showing up, feeling so vulnerable and exposed and the response we get is “you are not what we’re looking for.”
When rejection hits, often two inner processes go into play. First is the Comparison Game. We tend to look at those who succeeded and really wonder “why them and not me?” We begin to compare and measure ourselves against others, which can really affect our self worth.
And then, there is our Inner Critic- there’s nothing like our good old friend who never fails to be there at times of need. (Read in a sarcastic tone please). Telling us why we were rejected and all the things we need to do differently.
But here’s the interesting part. It’s in our heads. Rejection does not have to define our self worth. We can choose to silence our Own Inner Critic, and not play the Comparison Game. We need to remind ourselves that rejection is universal. Everyone faces rejection at some point. Everyone. Let’s embrace rejection as a path to self discovery and connection.
Rejection isn’t just a door closing; it’s a gentle redirection towards something else. Sometimes to even something way better.
And this is something that I wish I can tell the whole world: to accept rejection as a typical life event, an experience to grow and learn from, as we all work to become more sensitive, compassionate people.
Something that we stand for as a Nation,
💗, Shifi
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