I walked into a vort recently and I was shmoozing with a friend until she looked at me and said “Shifi, are you feeling well? ‘Cuz you totally look like you’re sick.” 

Except. I was feeling perfectly fine. 😳

So, how do I answer that? Obviously she thought something looked off about me. What’s worse? That I’m feeling sick and showing up to spread my germs or that my makeup or something else looked terribly wrong. So, with no mirror in front of me to peek how I looked, and in a moment of weakness, I responded “actually, you’re right. I’m not feeling great. Funny you noticed.”

And then she proceeded to announce to anyone who I tried speaking to “Stay away from Shifi, she’s sick with something and you probably don’t want to get sick!”

And I thought to myself. Seriously!

And it reminded me of the 50 million people who suffer from Social Anxiety. I was totally feeling it right then and there. I had to pretend I was sick to people who I actually wanted to shmooze with and then even lie about my fake symptoms when asked what was wrong and at some point I wanted to just announce on the loudspeaker that I’m totally feeling fine and my friend is just a doofus and then I realized I would probably look like I’m having a psychological breakdown which is worse than having a cold so I left it and faked the part for the rest of the night! 

Many of us suffer from Social Anxiety at some points in our lives. Even when it’s not a diagnosis or a serious dysfunction, we all know that feeling of seeing someone who we prefer not to see and wishing we can somehow avoid them or the situation. If it’s not on shabbos, maybe we even pretend to be on the phone and give the “so sorry I’m on an ‘important’ call” wave but when we can’t do that, we’ve all experienced that pit in our stomach as we see a social situation unraveling in front of us, against our will.  And so have our children.

And for those who suffer with Social Anxiety, the intensity and the frequency can be debilitating. Especially on Purim, we need to be extra sensitive and aware. (If it’s not your child who is suffering, maybe your child can help out a friend in need.)

Social Anxiety. 

Social Anxiety plus Purim. 

Social Anxiety in Children plus Purim. 

Difficult. Very Difficult. 

To put it simply, Social Anxiety is an extreme fear of embarrassing ourselves in social situations. Kids with social anxiety worry so much about how other people will perceive or judge them that they tend to avoid doing things they need or want to do. 

By the way, there is a distinct difference between shyness and social anxiety. The difference is based on the intensity of the fear and anxiety, the level of avoidance and how much it interferes with everyday functioning. 

Children who suffer from real Social Anxiety are constantly thinking and feeling that they are in the spotlight- that “everyone is looking at me,” they assume they can read people’s minds and very often read the minds of others incorrectly and quite negatively, and they are also often filled with self-doubt - thinking and telling themselves that they are not good enough, when usually, nothing can be further from the truth. 

People who suffer with Social Anxiety have physical and physiological symptoms including heart racing, blushing easily, sweating, shaking, feeling very nauseous in social settings, and often avoiding eye contact when interacting with others, and often resisting social situations all together. 

So Purim is coming, we don’t have time to waste today! 

Some quick tips:

• It’s extremely important to validate the anxiety and normalize it. Saying to your child “but look how your brother just knocks on the neighbors door and asks for sugar!” Actually makes the child feel more self conscious, not less. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how obvious it is — BUT.  We see this happening all the time. We try to use this as a motivation but it actually works as a negative reinforcer. 

• Give your child a confidence boost by using praise about what they’re really good at. 

• Challenge and learn to replace the insecure and self doubting thoughts with Confident Thoughts. 

• Celebrate small successes. Begin with small goals. Ex: answering the phone… then answering the door… 

• Help develop an “I can do this!” Attitude. Model this for them when appropriate.  

• Plan in advance. But, not too far in advance.  Find the sweet spot for your particular child. Speaking about a social situation 6 months in advance is clearly too much time, breaking to your child that the whole class is meeting for a class get together in 5 minutes, is probably not enough time.  

• Role play. Use humor!  

• Use positive reinforcements to encourage and support your child out of their comfort zone — even if it’s just a little bit out of their comfort zone, they will feel successful! Practice, practice…

• Do not push too hard. This can backfire. 

• Hold their hand - sometimes literally, but I mean figuratively. 

• Very often, Social Anxiety runs in families. If you suffer from this yourself, understand that treating this will benefit you and your children. Many of these behaviors are genetic and learned from adults. Yup, a Double whammy! This is treatable! No need to suffer.

• UNDERSTAND ANXIETY!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND ANXIETY! And how many parents make it so much worse for their child - it breaks my heart. I created a course called Anxiety Made Simple.  I’ve seen first hand in my many years working in school and private practice that the parents who get it, get it. It is the number one factor that will determine how well your child manages their own anxieties. If they have parents who are knowledgeable and supportive, they are SO MUCH more likely to succeed and catch it before it gets worse. Too often, parents make the anxiety worse with their ignorance and their hope to just “ignore the anxiety away.” BUY ANXIETY MADE SIMPLE. TODAY AND LEARN HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD! 

If you have any questions or concerns about your particular child and would like to reach out, feel free to book a ten minute consultation on my website here. 

Wishing the entire Socially Appropriate-ish! Family a Socially-Appropriate-ish! Purim! 🎉

💕, Shifi